i just found this in my phone
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mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.