do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.