friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
i just found this in my phone
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic