Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
there was a hot guy at the gas station behind the register and he said insert chip and I acted like I was inserting my bag of chips and he didn’t laugh.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
them: describe yourself in 6 wor—
me: the spaghetti stained tupperware of people
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Cauliflower: *ring ring*