10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
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Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Very good news from my accountant
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!