Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
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Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m awake but I object,
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS