I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
You Might Also Like
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.