@Rlpihl

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

@Rlpihl

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

@Rlpihl

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

@Rlpihl

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

@Rlpihl

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

@Rlpihl

First guy to invent a bread bowl was like
“I’m gonna rip the top of this muffin & pour soup in it”

@Rlpihl

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

@Rlpihl

[driving 2 school]
*looks back,sees toothbrushes in child carseats
WAIT! IF YOU’RE HERE THEN…
[cut to kids at home, covered in toothpaste]

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle