[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?