[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
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me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?