Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Doctors texting each other.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Ha.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”