Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
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Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Ken is short for chicken
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35