The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]