Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.