@Robert_Beau

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

@Robert_Beau

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

@Robert_Beau

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

@Robert_Beau

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

@Robert_Beau

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

@Robert_Beau

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.