[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.