[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[In the middle of shootout]
Hey, can I borrow your chapstick?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
*limbos away from your hug*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*