Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
*bites zombie*
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.