Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE