@RodLacroix

My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we’ve both been awake since January 14, 2013.

@RodLacroix

After they get through the Greek alphabet they start naming hurricanes after Fast and Furious films.

@RodLacroix

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

@RodLacroix

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

@RodLacroix

Friend: Doing anything scary for Halloween?

Me: I’m taking my teen out to practice driving.

Friend: Jesus Christ

@RodLacroix

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

@RodLacroix

I don’t worry about my kids vandalizing yards with toilet paper on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

@RodLacroix

I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.

@RodLacroix

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

@RodLacroix

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.