My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we’ve both been awake since January 14, 2013.
After they get through the Greek alphabet they start naming hurricanes after Fast and Furious films.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Friend: Doing anything scary for Halloween?
Me: I’m taking my teen out to practice driving.
Friend: Jesus Christ
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I don’t worry about my kids vandalizing yards with toilet paper on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.