9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Child: What about-
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME