I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.
Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”