[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The first one, obviously
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me