My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”