@Rollinintheseat

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

@Rollinintheseat

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

@Rollinintheseat

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

@Rollinintheseat

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

@Rollinintheseat

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”

@Rollinintheseat

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

@Rollinintheseat

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”