Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”