My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.