Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if all the cashiers are married?

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

[The Cheesecake Factory]

*looking at menu*

Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

*Password looks at itself in the mirror*

“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.