Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
You Might Also Like
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
smartest karate player in the world
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?