“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.