Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.