“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively