What number SPF blocks people?
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Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.