My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Breaking news:
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”