*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough