You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
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Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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