Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
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Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?