Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
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[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Brother?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m awake but I object,
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”