wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
i think we should see other cousins
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.