@RunOldMan

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

@RunOldMan

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

@RunOldMan

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

@RunOldMan

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

@RunOldMan

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

@RunOldMan

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

@RunOldMan

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

@RunOldMan

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

@RunOldMan

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

@RunOldMan

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.