During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.