The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I don’t know why people get offended if they’re called non-essential, that just means more time to eat bacon.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.