She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.