@RunOldMan

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

@RunOldMan

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

@RunOldMan

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

@RunOldMan

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

@RunOldMan

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

@RunOldMan

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

@RunOldMan

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

@RunOldMan

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

@RunOldMan

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

@RunOldMan

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.