Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of RunOldMan's best tweets

@RunOldMan : I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn't tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor's bedroom door.

@RunOldMan: I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I'm losing them in pairs.

@RunOldMan: I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it's much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

@RunOldMan: My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

@RunOldMan: We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

@RunOldMan: I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

@RunOldMan: Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

@RunOldMan: My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

@RunOldMan: Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

@RunOldMan: Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.