Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.