Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.