@RunwayDan

My favorite horror movies are about camping trips gone horribly wrong. It’s a problem I’ll never have, and frankly, if you’re going camping, you’re just asking for trouble.

@RunwayDan

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

@RunwayDan

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

@RunwayDan

I’d respect squirrels more if every time one dashed in front of my car, there were five squirrels on the other side of the road holding up signs scoring the difficulty level.

@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

@RunwayDan

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

@RunwayDan

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

@RunwayDan

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

@RunwayDan

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.