@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@RunwayDan

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

@RunwayDan

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

@RunwayDan

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

@RunwayDan

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

@RunwayDan

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

@RunwayDan

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

@RunwayDan

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

@RunwayDan

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

@RunwayDan

“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”

These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.