Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”
These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.