boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
The “baby” on the left….
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall