Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
You Might Also Like
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now