[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
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In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”