I see a badly-tied bin liner.
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.