“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Customize Your Wedding.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them