Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke