2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
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After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.