Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
I think my mom just blocked me
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%