When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah