“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.